Boundaries aren’t for other people… They are for you!
What is a boundary? It’s probably not what you are thinking. I’d like to introduce you to a new approach.
Who needs a boundary?
EVERYONE! Everyone needs and has boundaries.
If you don’t think you have them, you do. You just need to identify them.
More on that later.
What is a boundary?
A boundary exists within us as individuals. It can show up as something that makes us feel uncomfortable, or uneasy, or disrupts our peace. It can also be a need. It’s not a rule that is made up arbitrarily.
What do boundaries NOT look like?
How many times have you been in a conversation where you might be talking to a group of friends over dinner and you share a story about how your overbearing boss is calling you after hours and wanting you to take on projects with no extra pay or some other form of compensation?
Your well-meaning friends may say something to the effect of “Girlfriend! You need to set some boundaries.” or “Just say NO!”
Although the intention is pure, the advice is ill-advised. Why?
Many people assign boundaries to others, when in reality boundaries belong to us.
What do boundaries actually look like?
My boundary is that I NEED to shut down communication in a general sense by 8:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time
The way I treat people can be less than admirable because I am super irritable after 8.
People have been touching me, asking me questions, and being noisy, and I’ve made plenty of decisions and prevented people from dying of imminent starvation. I have also prepared the children for the suffering which is commonly referred to as bedtime. I become quite snippy with my family.
What do I need to do?
I will protect my boundaries by limiting my interactions with others.
What do I do when others don’t respect my boundaries?
This is a trick question. It’s not about what others are doing, it IS about what you are doing. What do you do when YOU aren’t respecting your boundaries? Simply put, if it matters to you, you will find a way to uphold them.
Can you imagine being at a party or a networking event and handing out “boundary cards” the way you would hand out business cards? Picture it. I walk up to you and say:
“Hi! My name is Sascha. It’s nice to meet you. Here are my boundaries. I look forward to you remembering them when I see you again!”
That would be weird!
Again, boundaries are not for other people, they are for you. When you find yourself struggling, ask yourself “Is this boundary important to me?’, and “Is it worth protecting?”.
When do we run into problems?
We run into problems when we bend our boundaries or when we choose to make a boundary that we don’t care about.
“Boundary Bending”
“Boundary Bending” happens when you do something that you are not comfortable with and you experience a negative emotion. An example of this could be if a boundary for you is adhering to a peaceful bedtime routine. A peaceful bedtime routine ensures that everyone is well-rested and in a good mood the next day.
To protect the boundary you limit your children’s sugar intake before bed. However on this particular night, the children are begging you for candy, at first you may stand firm, but their repeated pleas start to weaken you. You already had a long day and you want the chorus of “Please, Mom!” to stop and you say “Ok, one treat.”.
Lo and behold, the kids have gained a second wind and they are rambunctious. Long story short, you are regretting your choices.
Friends!
You knew this was going to happen but you did it anyway!
Does this mean that you can never make a different decision? Of course not. We’ll keep it simple. Do you remember my example about 8:00 being my cutoff?
If you invited me over for dinner, I would probably be out past 8. I might say yes on occasion (because I like dinner) but, it won’t be consistent.
What happens when you keep doing something you don’t want to do?
It breeds resentment.
There are also times when a change of plans is simply unavoidable.
For instance, I would never say to my children “I won’t take you to urgent care because my boundary stipulates that I don’t interact with society after 8:00 and unfortunately, it’s 9:07. You should have planned your illness accordingly.”.
We would never say that!
When you didn’t care about it to begin with! (everyone else does it)
Here is a real-life example.
Eating in the car. Lots of people do this. They make a no-eating-in-the-car rule. I get it, but I’m always hungry, so I partake of snacks and beverages in my car. When you have 4 children things get messy real fast. So, at some point, I said “No eating in the car!”.
Here’s the issue. This is a boundary that doesn’t actually matter to me. I will break that rule all the time. I’m sending mixed messages. I don’t actually care about it, so no one else takes it seriously.
My actual boundary is that I don’t like when people trash my car, and by people, I mean my kids. On a grander scale, I don’t like when others don’t put things back the way they found them.
My car staying clean is important to me because I have to go to Delta Sonic ( a local gas station) to vacuum. The weather is either too hot or too cold, it’s out of the way, and it hurts my back. Not to mention, it’s time-consuming.
My husband does share this boundary, but what if he didn’t? Most of the time others don’t share our boundaries. Right?
When I protect my boundary it looks like this:
- I make an announcement: “Take your trash with you.”
- I call a “trash check” if we are near a garbage when we are out and about.
- When my kids get out of the car I need to “inspect what I expect” and see if the wrappers etc. were removed. If they didn’t, I have to call them back to fix it
Why are boundaries important?
Boundaries are important because they help us to live a peaceful and harmonious life.
Why do we need to identify them?
We need to identify our boundaries to protect them. You can’t address what you can’t acknowledge.
Why do we need to stick to them?
Hopefully, you hear the love when I say “No one cares about your boundaries.”. Not because they are mean but because it does not hold any significance for them personally.
Let’s look at it this way…
When kids have money, they are proud to show it, but they are not going to just hand it over to you. They want to be in charge of it and protect it.
They don’t trust you! Lol! (see with your eyes, not with your hands)
With kids, when they show you their money, you say “Oh, that’s nice! Put it away so nothing happens to it.”. We give a directive. At my house, it sounds more like, “Put it away because I can’t replace it if something happens to it.”.
The same goes for boundaries, you want to show them, you want to protect them, but in this case, no one is going to tell you how to protect them.
How do I identify my boundaries?
If you don’t know what your boundaries it can indicate that you have been ignoring your needs for too long, or that you have been living in survival mode.
If this sounds like you, a quick check for that is, if someone asked you “How can I help you?” or “What do you need?” and your mind goes blank or you are scrolling through your invisible list trying to figure out “What is the priority?”, that can be a strong signal that you need to sit down quietly and address it.
Or, you may genuinely not know and feel unsettled because you don’t have an answer. You may feel helpless and want someone else to figure it out for you.
No one wants to admit out loud to feeling helpless but it’s a real, valid emotion and it can be fixed.
Start by saying:
- My problem is…
- I notice this when
- What can I do to honor myself?
How do I keep my boundaries?
We must recognize that our boundaries are not fleeting. They are usually connected to our core values. Identify your core values and live in accordance with them. Make sure your actions coincide with living authentically. Ask yourself “Does this thought or action support the protection of my boundary?” If not, don’t allow it.
What could this look like? Let’s say that your boundary is about not exerting energy unnecessarily. The people in your life, be it in person or online insist that you make a homemade meal every night to save money etc. You may wonder if you are making wise choices and if you are acceptable to others because you want to order premade meals. So in order to avoid the discomfort of the conversation about your choice, you spend time and energy, researching, shopping, prepping and cooking. Now, you are MISERABLE! Did making homemade dinner support your boundary of conserving energy? No!!! If you want a PB & J, go ahead. Maybe your core value is relaxing and or reading. Making something quick allows you to live in alignment with your values and protects your boundary.
That was a simple example. What about when someone questions your parenting style? I felt worked up just typing it, but it happens. Some people don’t feel triggered by this, but if you are here, you might. No shame. This is an opportunity to be empowered. Maybe your boundary is about making sure that your loved ones are treated fairly. You may also value communication. An onlooker might observe a situation where your child is telling you about a decision that you made and they don’t agree. Some people might have a confused or upset facial expression, others may even approach you and comment, or question why you would allow that. They may see it as talking back. What could you do in that situation. If it’s just looks, keep it moving and tell yourself, “This works for my family.”, if it becomes a direct interaction, you can walk away, or if you want to respond say “This works for my family.” and remove yourself, If it’s something like you are with relatives or friends and you are with them for a period of time, use the same line. If they want to continue, simply say something along the lines of “I’m not willing to discuss this anymore.”, “There are other really exciting things that I’d like to talk about now!”. You don’t have to say those exact things, it’s a springboard for you, don’t forget to use YOUR unique voice. Leaving is also an option- “I have to go now.”. None of these responses are rude, all of them help you to keep your boundary and honor your core values.
Where do I go from here?
Create a dialogue with yourself. Or with a trusted, responsible, third-party. I do ask however that you don’t go on social media. Stick with people in person who know you and care about you. If this is not an option, perhaps a neutral presence such as a therapist. Remember, a boundary is not always bad. Sometimes it’s something that works well for you.
For instance, I like space! It helps me relax. There is nothing better than having a big table to spread my notebooks, pens, and drink. I often do it at staff meetings. Then I remember that I’m not at home. I apologize, but my coworkers are used to it.
Consider some of the things that make you smile and bring you joy and excitement. Is it a cup of tea at a certain time of day? Maybe it’s taking a class or a type of exercise. Then again, it could be time spent in quiet reflection. Whatever it is for you, make it a priority- unapologetically.
Go out there and live your best life! Remember- You can plan, and I can help!
Until next time.